Tales from the road: Beady-eyed gnomes on Lookout Mountain

No gnomes for Mrs. B: She's not a fan of these gents spotted at Rock City.

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On a chilly but glorious Saturday morning, Mrs. B and I, accompanied by Mrs. B’s sister and her husband, made our way to the summit of Lookout Mountain for one of America’s greatest views. It’s not hyperbolic to say the scene gives me goosebumps on every visit.

At Point Park — where brother-in-law Nels paid the entrance fee, so the visit seemed way better than a regular visit — my traveling companions peppered me with questions about Civil War artillery and Mrs. B enjoyed watching her husband bound about like a jackrabbit on an adrenaline rush. (The sight of cannons often does this.)

Ruby Falls: A spectacular scene, but
don't drink coffee before making
 the trek here.

Afterward, we made our way down the serpentine road from Point Park to tourist traps Ruby Falls Caverns and Rock City. Road trip advice from a pro: Always have your mechanic check your brakes before you descend from Lookout Mountain. Plus, never drink five gallons of coffee before trekking through any caverns anywhere in the world.

Also: If you despise expensive pizza, unruly children and gnomes, never in the history of ever visit Rock City, where a suspicious- looking gnome — a small, humanoid-like figure with beady eyes — spied us as we made our way through “Fat Man’s Squeeze.” 

“Creepy,” Mrs. B calls them.

One would think that after 31 years of solid-gold marriage (mostly) one would know everything about your mate. 😬 But Mrs. B broke news at Rock City that she is rabidly anti-gnome. 

Damn! So no gnomes, please, for our 32nd wedding anniversary in May.

Before we leave Chattanooga, I am hoping to squeeze in some actual Civil War history adventurizing with my non-Civil Ear enthusiast traveling companions. In the meantime, I’ll torture you with photos from Lookout Mountain, Rock City and Ruby Falls. 

Let’s keep history alive. 👊

Brother-in-law Nels squeezes through an opening at Rock City.